As parental involvement in athletics surges, sometimes like watching a ventriloquist, I see players lips moving, but hear parent driven dialogue. The unhealthy influence parents have hijacked from administrations and teams makes it challenging to determine where the player ends, and the parent begins. It can be an uncomfortable and sometimes unbeatable tag team of disaster.

As tryout season is upon us maybe adding other criteria into the evaluation process will help streamline this emotional process. Since many parents want to be at the tryout and are secretly or overtly living vicariously through their child—let’s get them in the crosshairs of the tryout!

The evaluation criteria won’t be public, instead contrived behind secret closed-door meetings, like the ones they hold to get coaches fired and their child on the right team. However, unlike those meetings our criteria will not include fabrications, exaggerations, hear-say, speculation or outright lies. Like a Sunday only Catholic, some parents look like angels in public but do their damage during car rides, meals at McDonalds and inebriated late nights in hotel lobbies. To ensure a thorough evaluation process, parents will be wired and under 24-hour video surveillance.

The tryout will take place during an entire season and at the end you will be given a grade. All grades will be publicly posted at the rink. Those achieving a grade of ‘B’ or higher will be issued an unrestricted sports passport. Marks below will have restrictions and those with a failing grade will be put on the No Watch List, which will effectively ban you from your child’s events for one full year.

So, let’s dig into the tryout specifics and the evaluation criteria.

Each parent will start the process by writing a short essay on why their child is playing hockey. If the word “fun” does not appear or there any quotes from Bobby Knight or John Tortorella, that will be an automatic failing grade. Bonus points will be awarded for any references to building character, teamwork or persevering through adversity.

If at the start of any season your child shows up with all brand new equipment you will automatically be fined $500, because you obviously can afford it. We aren’t planning to shoot a scene for D4 – The Mighty Rich Ducks, so buy some used equipment and teach your child that a poor carpenter blames his tools. A lesson millions of novice golfers worldwide have yet to learn.

Carrying your child’s hockey bag to or from the rink is a deduction, but can be dismissed if you simply cease this lesson in pampering and irresponsibility. If you unpack, then pack their bag for them, run home to get something you forgot, tape their stick, tie their skates or bring them a Gatorade between periods your pictures will be posted on the rink bulletin board like shoplifters. An exception will be made for mite parents.

When tryouts arrive, any efforts to obtain the evaluation drills prior to the day of the tryout will put you on immediate probation. Extra credit will be earned for those parents who drop their kid at the rink and find something better to do. If you dispute the tryout results, ask for to see the evaluation sheets, make a public scene, threaten to pull your child out of hockey or make your child feel bad because they made the wrong team you will write 1,000 times on a whiteboard, “Michael Jordan was cut from his high school varsity team as a freshman”.

As the games begin, any attempt to pay your child for goals will be investigated. If found guilty, we will secretly start paying the rest of the team to not pass to your child. Next, you will invite the entire team to your house for a pizza party, knee-hockey tournament and two-night sleepover, in addition you will volunteer to work the concession stand for the rest of the season. If you fail to cease such monetary rewards, your bank account will be frozen. Pay them to take out the garbage, mow the lawn or walk the dog instead.

Upon completion of watching Bruce Brown’s, The Role of Parent’s in Athletics, you will demonstrate a clear understanding that of the four roles at an athletic contest; fan, player, coach, official, you can only be a fan. You cannot be the coach, so stop giving hand signals and second guessing everything. You cannot be an official, so stop yelling at twelve-year-olds over an offside call. And you are not a player so stop barking obvious instructions like “GO” and “SHOOT”.

Those who cannot refrain from negatively and sarcastically critiquing throughout the entire game will be allowed to watch by themselves if they can establish a minimum thirty-foot perimeter, marked off with crime scene tape, separating you from everyone else in the arena. However, if you embarrass yourself and your child with your lack of mature adult behavior, including but not limited to being escorted from the rink, you will be assigned to the red flagged area of the bleachers. The area will be supervised by retired librarians, and you will be prohibited from talking during future games.

All parents who conveniently lose their coaches contact information will receive complementary coffee refills for the season. Add in a consistent “nice game” and “thanks coach” following each game and we will throw in a free donut or cookie. Keeping parent’s mouths busy during games has proven to reduce stupid and embarrassing remarks by nearly fifty percent. As the iconic slogan goes, “The best part of shutting up, is Folgers in your cup.”

Your vocabulary will be closely monitored and if any sentence containing both the words “playing” and “time” is identified, you will be put on the helicopter parents no-fly list. You will then be required to go through security before attending games. Any stop watches, cell phones, hour glasses or other time measurements will be confiscated.

Requesting a meeting with the coach over anything that is not considered a crime will come with a compulsory reduction of one letter grade. If you believe you know more than the coach, there will be an exam available to evaluate your knowledge. If you score higher than the coach, you will be rewarded by volunteering to be a liaison between the staff and the parents. All future parent meetings will be with you.

In an attempt to encourage civility and censorship all conversations at the dinner table or in hotel or rink lobbies will be recorded and made available to all members of the team and coaching staff. Talking behind someone’s back will no longer be possible. Car rides will be monitored or recorded for your child’s sanity and future training purposes. Leave the post-game evaluation to the coaches.

To the shrinking majority of parents who will ace this tryout process, a huge debt of gratitude for allowing this to be your child’s experience. For understanding that failure, perseverance and sacrifice will be some of the difficult yet wonderful lessons your child will learn. Thank you for providing them with support and advice when they fall and then encouraging them to get back up again. Thanks for helping them recognize that they control their attitudes, work ethic and decision making. For encouraging them to be great teammates, accept and excel at their role and understand that the team always comes first.

You are the parents that must take a stand to drum out the selfish squeaky wheels that are threatening the monumental value of the athletic experience. It is up to you to be vigilant in supporting your coaches and silence those who are pushing good coaches and officials out of the game. You can no longer be the silent majority, but instead the sane majority that puts an end to these narcissistic cancers and preserves all the good in the athletic experience.

Don’t kid yourself, while this tryout is hypothetical, the fight to keep good coaches in the game is real.

Dan Bauer is a free-lance writer, retired teacher & hockey coach in Wausau, WI. You can contact him at drbauer13@gmail.com.